Innocence

Searching for peace and healing this summer has been an interesting journey for me. As I have talked about before, it's been a rough year, mostly by my own doing. I spent many, many hours worrying about where I was going to end up this summer. I didn't pray about it, just worried. I kept going back to Totus Tuus, but it just didn't feel right. I knew I would be doing it just because people told me I should. I felt obligated, not called. So as much as people wanted me to apply, I decided to throw away my application. That was a very difficult decision for me, because I felt like I was letting people down. But I'm learning to let go of always trying to please people, which has helped immensely in my quest for peace. Well after that I knew I would be coming home to Hallmark, but I didn't really have a plan. I was pretty much just wandering at this point.

After I got home, I suddenly found myself with gratuitous amounts of free time. After sitting at home for a few days, I got incredibly bored. Then God gave me the opportunity to spend countless hours with my nieces and Godchild. I got to go to my oldest niece, Caleigh's, band concert. What a blessing! I can't possibly described how imperfect, but absolutely perfect this concert was. They made mistakes, but I didn't even notice. The kids were having a blast, I couldn't help but join in. My niece was pure joy at this concert. Such a beautiful, unadultered, innocent joy. Just being able to witness this showed me that home is exactly where God was calling me this summer.

By simply being at home, I have come to know the healing power of children. My nieces and Jordan are so sweet, so trusting, so innocent that I couldn’t help but let my guard down. I am so blessed to have such an open, loving relationship with my nieces. I am a aunt, a sister, and a best friend. Which means, they talk openly to me about many things in their lives, including faith. Hearing their honest, sweet questions about Christ creates a situation where I am constantly thinking about Christ. I am used to be the light of Christ to my nieces, but this summer the role has switched. They have become Christ’s light for me.

My nieces especially have demonstrated child-like faith for me in such a beautiful, innocent way that I couldn't help but follow. I never thought that my nieces would be teaching me about Christ, but here I am gushing about them. One of my favorite memories of my nieces is sitting in Christmas mass with them. During mass, my two oldest nieces sang their little hearts out. No worries, no restraints. They didn’t worry about what people think, they just sang for Christ. This memory inspires me on a daily basis to sing out for Christ, to focus on just Him.

Being around little children has brought me so much peace and healing. So many people asked me what I was doing this summer and I felt so inadequate, because I wasn’t doing anything spectacular. But now I know that I am doing exactly what God wants me too. I’m spending time with precious little children that are teaching me about Christ. Based on this, I have begun to form a devotion to St. Therese, because I have realized it truly is the little things, like singing with my nieces, that brings me closer to Christ. So next time you are in mass, listen to the little voices around you. Learn from them and their innocent faith. Don’t hold back, sing for Christ.

Don't you know who you are?

   
You are more.

This song has been on my mind alot lately. A good friend made me some Tenth Avenue North CDs a few months ago and this song happens to be on my favorite CD of theirs. It really hits home for me. I know I've said this before, but I often get caught up in my sins. Many times I get so caught up in my shame, pain, and choices that I forget the person Christ is calling me to be. A priest once told me, "When trying to stop committing a sin, focus on the opposite virtue. We become what we think about. So if you focus on your sin, you will become your sin." This causes you to fall into despair and shame.

I often define my life by my actions, by doing this I focus on my sins and shortcomings. When in reality I am already defined by God's love. I am His daughter, His unique creation, His love. During my darkest hours, this is incredibly easy to forget. The devil uses this. He leads me to question God's role in my life. I question myself when I look in the mirror and I sit there and wonder about the path that lead me to the person I am today. Many times I dwell on the negatives and fail to see God's hand in my journey. But this song reminds me that...

I am more.

It is one thing to be told that you have been given new life by Christ, it is another thing to believe it. The devil is so cunning that he makes us forget the saving power of Christ. He preys on our failures and humanity to keep us down. One line of the song that always hits home for me is, "And I'm crippled by the fear that I have fallen too far to love." The devil plants this seed of doubt in our hearts to make us question are worth and value. What a cunning plan. But...

You are more.

You've been remade.

Fight these feelings of insecurity and doubt. Be confident of God's love for you. You will never fall so far that God's love can't reach you anymore. This is something that we all forget at times, but it is so important to remember. When the devil pushes you down, Jesus is right there holding out a hand to help you up. Reach out and take it.