"Confession heals, confession justifies, confession grants pardon of sin.
All hope consists in confession. In confession there is a chance for mercy.
Believe it firmly. Do not doubt, do not hesitate, never despair of the mercy of God.
Hope and have confidence in confession."
-St. Isidore of Seville
At first, I tried the church I usually go to for confession, St. Francis, but the line was so long that I knew I wouldn’t make it in time. Instead I decided to try St. Catherine of Siena. This confession was a different experience for me. Confession at St. Francis is often short, quick, and to the point, because of the long lines. No questions asked really. But here, at St. Catherine’s, it was quite different. The priest cut in a few times to get a better understanding and to ask questions. He patiently listened to me and then conversed with me for several minutes.
During this time, I was pretty much falling apart. I make a habit of going to confession on a regular basis, but confession had become just sort of a routine for me. I had taken for granted the power, beauty, and glory of the sacrament. Here in this small confessional, an old and wise priest put it back into perspective for me. He took the time to listen, to understand, to calm, and to love. At the end of my confession, I was expecting a pretty hefty penance. But to my surprise, he gave me just one Hail Mary. He said,” Daughter, I have no need to give you more, because you are already punishing yourself enough. For the rest of your penance, I want you to work on forgiving yourself.”
I was flabbergasted. He hit it right on the head. I knew deep down, that God had already forgiven me, but I was still a wreck. I realized that my stress, worry, and pain were the results of my failure to forgive myself. But how many others struggle with this to? I think we all do. It is 1098890809 times easier to forgive somebody that has hurt us than it is to forgive ourselves. I often struggle with this concept. I forgive people that hurt me in a heartbeat; my friends often chastise me for it. They say I am a pushover and that I need to stand up for myself. Yet, I often forgive others before they even hurt me. It is just the way that I am. But when I hurt myself or worse, hurt somebody else, I struggle with forgiving myself for months.
I am realizing that forgiveness really is divine. When we forgive ourselves and others, we capture a taste of God’s plan for the world. Forgiveness brings us one breath closer to Christ, because we begin to emulate Him. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things in the world, because it humbles us before the cross. Forgiveness says, “I care more for you than I do for myself.” Sacrifice for the betterment of another is beautiful. Forgiveness lights the path to Heaven.
Like I said, part of my penance is forgiving myself. I’ve struggled with how to do this though. Ultimately I need to surrender to love. I need to see my worth, value, and dignity as a beautiful daughter of God. Many times that is easier said than done though. I know we all struggle with this. I beat myself up when I do not live up to the expectations of the church, society, my family, my friends, K-State, or just my expectations in general. Many times I fall short of my standards and goals. When this happens, I am incredibly hard on myself. The priest saw the destructive power of this practice and challenged me to stop. He straight up told me I need to be gentler with myself, like Christ is with me. The priest is calling me to take part in Christ’s divinity by forgiving myself. What a call!
"Our Lord Himself I saw in . . . this venerable Sacrament . . .
I felt as if my chains fell, as those of St. Peter at the touch of the
Divine messenger. My God, what new scenes for my soul!"
--St. Elizabeth Ann Seton
So that is my challenge to you. If you are harboring resentment, fear, shame, or pain for some of your past sins, let it go. Like Rafiki said, “The past can hurt. You can either run from it or learn from it.” Learn from it and move on. Forgive yourself.
