Miracles

What a beautiful week it has been! I've been anxiously awaiting the birth of my nephew, Josiah Gabriel. Patience is, unfortunately, a virtue I do no possess. I've been praying for him, thinking about him, reading to him, cleaning for him, and loving him every day all day since I received the news of his conception. It has been a wonderful journey of discernment and love for me. But man, I was ready for him to get here. I wanted to meet the little guy.

Last Wednesday, I got the call at 6:00 in the morning that Katie was experiencing the tell-tale signs of labor. Hurriedly, I grabbed my hospital bag that I had prepared, jumped in my car, and rushed to the hospital. When I got there she was dialated to a 6. I thought, "Ya! He's going to be here before I know it." Six hours later, Katie was still dialated to a 6. I was starting to get impatient. Around 1:30, Katie was ready to welcome her miracle into the world. The room was whirlwind of activity as the nurses rushed to get everything ready. I took my place by Katie's side, holding her hand. 30 short minutes later, little Josiah took his first breathe.

Being the sap that I am, I cried. I was so overcome with emotion that all I could say was blessed be God, over and over again. What a miracle childbirth is! I will never forget the look on Katie's face as she held her beautiful baby boy for the first time. It reminded me of something that Christopher West wrote in Heaven's Song. He discusses the joy that we feel on Christmas Day when we celebrate the birth of Christ. That joy is to be felt at the birth of every child in the world, because we are all God's children. We are all a precious gift from above. No matter the situation, no matter the background, no matter the world, each birth is a miracle. Children are a miracle. 

While holding little Siah today, I was once again overcome with emotion. But a more terrible kind. Abortion has always broken my heart, but as I sat there holding him, I just couldn't handle it. I have a hard time understanding how people can claim that unborn children aren't "alive." So this is my plea to you, stand up for the unborn. Pray for the parents considering abortion, pray for the babies, pray for the broken families, pray for those trying to recover from the terrors of abortion. Josiah is a beautiful testimony to life, help others continue that legacy. Mother Teresa worked tirelessly to fight the evils of abortion. Ask for her intercession and prayers. She once said, "I want the child, give me the child." Let us all echo her desire to save the unborn.

Mother Teresa, pray for us.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, protectress of the unborn, pray for us. 

Growth

Understanding comes when we begin to see God's hand in our life. It's only when we stop focusing on ourselves and turn our attention to Christ that we are able to see growth from a time of suffering. Thankfully, this summer has been an opportunity for me to stop being so self-absorbed and to step back to see the bigger picture. The past year has been a necessary period of growth for me and I am thankful for it. While sitting with a friend in Manhattan one night, we were discussing my journey. That's when this list started. Over the past week, I just started writing things down. Overall, it's hard to summarize just how much God has taught me this year, but here are a few of the key points.

Life lessons I’ve learned in the past year:

1. Self-pity is self-destructive.
2. No matter how much you love someone, you can’t make them love you back. You can’t be angry at them for that. Love them anyway.
3. There’s good in everyone, but that doesn’t mean everyone is good for you.
4. Life goes on. The pain might feel like it’s going to kill you, but it’s not. The scars it leaves behind will just give you character.
5. Children are the most innocent healing power in the world.
6. A friendship that ends was never a friendship to begin with.
7. God gives you multiple chances to do that right thing. If you don’t do it, God will. And it’s probably going to hurt a lot more than if you had just done it in the first place.
8. Share your experiences. Other people might be struggling with the same thing.
9. As much as you want them to, some people just don't belong in your life.
10. There's a difference between suffering and misery.
11. The opposite of love is lust.  
12. I am incredibly blessed.
13. Sometimes the things that feel the most right are the most wrong.
14. Suffering is a necessary part of life.
15. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends things. They will respect you for being honest with them.
16. Rush hour traffic is a blessing. It gives me an hour a day to concentrate on practicing virtue.
17. Surround yourself with people that pray for you.
18. You’ll never fall too far to be loved.
19. Even with the pain and heartache, it's still a beautiful world.
20. I’ve got a lot to learn.


Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Innocence

Searching for peace and healing this summer has been an interesting journey for me. As I have talked about before, it's been a rough year, mostly by my own doing. I spent many, many hours worrying about where I was going to end up this summer. I didn't pray about it, just worried. I kept going back to Totus Tuus, but it just didn't feel right. I knew I would be doing it just because people told me I should. I felt obligated, not called. So as much as people wanted me to apply, I decided to throw away my application. That was a very difficult decision for me, because I felt like I was letting people down. But I'm learning to let go of always trying to please people, which has helped immensely in my quest for peace. Well after that I knew I would be coming home to Hallmark, but I didn't really have a plan. I was pretty much just wandering at this point.

After I got home, I suddenly found myself with gratuitous amounts of free time. After sitting at home for a few days, I got incredibly bored. Then God gave me the opportunity to spend countless hours with my nieces and Godchild. I got to go to my oldest niece, Caleigh's, band concert. What a blessing! I can't possibly described how imperfect, but absolutely perfect this concert was. They made mistakes, but I didn't even notice. The kids were having a blast, I couldn't help but join in. My niece was pure joy at this concert. Such a beautiful, unadultered, innocent joy. Just being able to witness this showed me that home is exactly where God was calling me this summer.

By simply being at home, I have come to know the healing power of children. My nieces and Jordan are so sweet, so trusting, so innocent that I couldn’t help but let my guard down. I am so blessed to have such an open, loving relationship with my nieces. I am a aunt, a sister, and a best friend. Which means, they talk openly to me about many things in their lives, including faith. Hearing their honest, sweet questions about Christ creates a situation where I am constantly thinking about Christ. I am used to be the light of Christ to my nieces, but this summer the role has switched. They have become Christ’s light for me.

My nieces especially have demonstrated child-like faith for me in such a beautiful, innocent way that I couldn't help but follow. I never thought that my nieces would be teaching me about Christ, but here I am gushing about them. One of my favorite memories of my nieces is sitting in Christmas mass with them. During mass, my two oldest nieces sang their little hearts out. No worries, no restraints. They didn’t worry about what people think, they just sang for Christ. This memory inspires me on a daily basis to sing out for Christ, to focus on just Him.

Being around little children has brought me so much peace and healing. So many people asked me what I was doing this summer and I felt so inadequate, because I wasn’t doing anything spectacular. But now I know that I am doing exactly what God wants me too. I’m spending time with precious little children that are teaching me about Christ. Based on this, I have begun to form a devotion to St. Therese, because I have realized it truly is the little things, like singing with my nieces, that brings me closer to Christ. So next time you are in mass, listen to the little voices around you. Learn from them and their innocent faith. Don’t hold back, sing for Christ.

Don't you know who you are?

   
You are more.

This song has been on my mind alot lately. A good friend made me some Tenth Avenue North CDs a few months ago and this song happens to be on my favorite CD of theirs. It really hits home for me. I know I've said this before, but I often get caught up in my sins. Many times I get so caught up in my shame, pain, and choices that I forget the person Christ is calling me to be. A priest once told me, "When trying to stop committing a sin, focus on the opposite virtue. We become what we think about. So if you focus on your sin, you will become your sin." This causes you to fall into despair and shame.

I often define my life by my actions, by doing this I focus on my sins and shortcomings. When in reality I am already defined by God's love. I am His daughter, His unique creation, His love. During my darkest hours, this is incredibly easy to forget. The devil uses this. He leads me to question God's role in my life. I question myself when I look in the mirror and I sit there and wonder about the path that lead me to the person I am today. Many times I dwell on the negatives and fail to see God's hand in my journey. But this song reminds me that...

I am more.

It is one thing to be told that you have been given new life by Christ, it is another thing to believe it. The devil is so cunning that he makes us forget the saving power of Christ. He preys on our failures and humanity to keep us down. One line of the song that always hits home for me is, "And I'm crippled by the fear that I have fallen too far to love." The devil plants this seed of doubt in our hearts to make us question are worth and value. What a cunning plan. But...

You are more.

You've been remade.

Fight these feelings of insecurity and doubt. Be confident of God's love for you. You will never fall so far that God's love can't reach you anymore. This is something that we all forget at times, but it is so important to remember. When the devil pushes you down, Jesus is right there holding out a hand to help you up. Reach out and take it.  

Forgiveness

This past Monday, I had the opportunity to go to confession. It was more of a necessity, but I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise. I have never been scared to go to confession before. I do not know what made this time different, but I was absolutely terrified to walk into that box. It took every ounce of my courage to physically drive myself to the church and walk in.

"Confession heals, confession justifies, confession grants pardon of sin.

All hope consists in confession. In confession there is a chance for mercy.

 Believe it firmly. Do not doubt, do not hesitate, never despair of the mercy of God.

 Hope and have confidence in confession."

-St. Isidore of Seville



At first, I tried the church I usually go to for confession, St. Francis, but the line was so long that I knew I wouldn’t make it in time. Instead I decided to try St. Catherine of Siena. This confession was a different experience for me. Confession at St. Francis is often short, quick, and to the point, because of the long lines.  No questions asked really. But here, at St. Catherine’s, it was quite different. The priest cut in a few times to get a better understanding and to ask questions. He patiently listened to me and then conversed with me for several minutes.

During this time, I was pretty much falling apart. I make a habit of going to confession on a regular basis, but confession had become just sort of a routine for me. I had taken for granted the power, beauty, and glory of the sacrament. Here in this small confessional, an old and wise priest put it back into perspective for me. He took the time to listen, to understand, to calm, and to love. At the end of my confession, I was expecting a pretty hefty penance. But to my surprise, he gave me just one Hail Mary. He said,” Daughter, I have no need to give you more, because you are already punishing yourself enough. For the rest of your penance, I want you to work on forgiving yourself.”

I was flabbergasted. He hit it right on the head. I knew deep down, that God had already forgiven me, but I was still a wreck. I realized that my stress, worry, and pain were the results of my failure to forgive myself. But how many others struggle with this to? I think we all do. It is 1098890809 times easier to forgive somebody that has hurt us than it is to forgive ourselves.  I often struggle with this concept. I forgive people that hurt me in a heartbeat; my friends often chastise me for it. They say I am a pushover and that I need to stand up for myself. Yet, I often forgive others before they even hurt me. It is just the way that I am. But when I hurt myself or worse, hurt somebody else, I struggle with forgiving myself for months.

I am realizing that forgiveness really is divine. When we forgive ourselves and others, we capture a taste of God’s plan for the world. Forgiveness brings us one breath closer to Christ, because we begin to emulate Him. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things in the world, because it humbles us before the cross. Forgiveness says, “I care more for you than I do for myself.” Sacrifice for the betterment of another is beautiful. Forgiveness lights the path to Heaven.   

Like I said, part of my penance is forgiving myself. I’ve struggled with how to do this though. Ultimately I need to surrender to love. I need to see my worth, value, and dignity as a beautiful daughter of God. Many times that is easier said than done though. I know we all struggle with this. I beat myself up when I do not live up to the expectations of the church, society, my family, my friends, K-State, or just my expectations in general. Many times I fall short of my standards and goals. When this happens, I am incredibly hard on myself. The priest saw the destructive power of this practice and challenged me to stop. He straight up told me I need to be gentler with myself, like Christ is with me. The priest is calling me to take part in Christ’s divinity by forgiving myself. What a call!

"Our Lord Himself I saw in . . . this venerable Sacrament . . .

I felt as if my chains fell, as those of St. Peter at the touch of the

Divine messenger. My God, what new scenes for my soul!"

--St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

So that is my challenge to you. If you are harboring resentment, fear, shame, or pain for some of your past sins, let it go. Like Rafiki said, “The past can hurt. You can either run from it or learn from it.” Learn from it and move on. Forgive yourself.

Mama

This past year has been an interesting journey. It has worn me down spiritually, mentally, and physically. It has been a very rough semester. Thus, spring break was welcomed as a beautiful oasis in the midst of a desert. It came at just the right time. My first day back in Wichita I had to work a 7 hour shift at Hallmark. Honestly, I was a bit upset that I had to waste a beautiful spring day in Hallmark. Of course, God turned this around and the day had some pleasant surprises. The first being a 75-year-old woman named Monika, who had moved here from Germany when she was 15. We were really slow so I got a chance to talk to her for about 30 minutes. During this talk, we discussed motherhood and the role of the woman in the family for about 20 minutes. She told me, “Women have the blessing of watching their children grow into strong apostles. There is nothing sweeter than seeing your child seek Christ.”  Wow! In the middle of Hallmark, a woman gave me insight into the beauty of motherhood. Jesus moment for sure.

After this wonderful conversation, I got assigned to cleaning. I was dusting away in the backroom when I saw a sign that said, “Home is where your mom is.” Here in a dirty, quiet room, God sent surprise two by gently enforcing the beauty of motherhood. I love my family, but my mother is always the person I miss the most. I miss her so much sometimes, I literally ache with it. She is my rock, my role-model, my comforter, my best friend, my hero.We might not always see eye-to-eye on things and we fight frequently, but that's usually because I am too stubborn to accept her wisdom. She selflessly gives up everything for the sake of her children. My mother taught me the meaning of sacrifice. For me, home is where ever she is. Home is where you find rest, comfort, passion, growth, and love. Home is more than just a place you live; home is where your heart is. For me, my mama is all of those things. She constantly challenges me to grow and seek Christ. She is my link to Heaven.

This past week, I had the blessing of spending 4 days in Atlanta with my Grandma, aunts, uncles, and sister. One night, my Uncle Chris and I had the most random, sporadic conversation I have ever had. We had months of experiences, ideas, and revelations to catch up on. We happened to get on the topic of good books. I suggested that he read Heaven’s Song by Christopher West. He had never heard of it and asked me to justify my suggestion. I found myself submersed in one of the most beautiful Marian conversations I have ever had. For those of you who haven’t read the book, Heaven’s Song discusses Song of Songs and how they are God’s love letters to us. God is calling us to a mystical marriage with Him, Song of Songs is His proposal. This love and marriage is so real, that a young Jewish girl literally became impregnated with His divine word. Through Christ, Mary became our spiritual mother. The more I talked, the more I found myself absolutely gushing about Mama Mary, the way I do about my mom.

After the conversation, I was pretty keyed up and decided to spend some time on the deck outside. The quiet of the night helped me to gather my thoughts. I was reflecting on the past week and the quiet moment in the backroom of Hallmark came back to me. “Home is where your mom is.” Heaven is home. Mama Mary is waiting for me, for us. Mama embraced us as her children at the foot of the cross. How blessed are we to have such an amazing spiritual mother waiting for us in Heaven! She keeps us in her heart at all times, praying for us constantly. For Mary the most beautiful thing in the world is watching us seek Christ.

This past year has been filled with constant struggles and opportunities for growth. To my shame, I haven’t embraced many of these opportunities. Instead of seeing opportunities, I saw suffering. My mindset was selfish. This has caused my relationship with Mary to take on a different role. In my stubbornness, I nailed myself to my own cross. Mary waited at the foot of my cross, watching my suffering. She waited for me to die to myself. When I finally did, she took me into her arms at the foot of the cross and gently held me. I’ve found myself frantically running to Mary when life gets hard and just throwing myself into her arms. She welcomes me lovingly, gently, and selflessly. No matter how many times I turn away, Mary is always there quietly leading me to Christ. Mary is my other link to Heaven.

I work at 6:00 in the morning on Tuesdays, not my favorite shift. I was writing this though during my shift and I have a Disney playlist that I listen to. The song You'll Be in My Heart came on. I was overcome with emotion when I realized how perfectly it describes a mother's love for her children, Mary's love for us. I suggest listening to it: You'll Be In My Heart .

For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us can't be broken.
I will be here, don't you cry.
You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say.
You'll be here in my heart, always.

How beautiful is a mother's love? Whether she is alive, deceased, or spiritual, she is waiting for you to come home keeping you in her heart always. Mary, mother of us all, pray for us!

Will you come?

This past week I had the blessing of attending the Kansas Catholic College Student Convention in Topeka, KS. It was a very good weekend.  It was quiet and sweet, simple and relaxing. God used this weekend to gently, but forcefully, remind of some things that I have been forgetting, like what it means to follow Christ. He called me to Him in such a loving, tender manner that I couldn’t help but listen.

One night during adoration, I found some notes in my Bible from a talk I had with a good friend. At the time, I was really struggling with my sins and how they had transformed me. I felt like my sins were taking over, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

One of my biggest struggles is that I tend to focus on my sins. And you know the saying, “We become what we think about.” So instead of getting better, the situation was just getting worse. A lot worse. It was to the point where I didn’t really recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. Who was I? I was being defined by my actions in a very negatively way.

But in God’s mercy, my friend directed me to C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce. Particularly the story of the lizard. I feel like this is an important story, so I’m going to put the link. I had printed this out and put it in my Bible. It’s a long story, but I would love for you to read it. Plus, the rest of my blog probably won't make sense it you don't.

Please read me!

After I read this parable of the lizard though, I realized that God can take the darkest, scariest, and most sinful parts of us and turn them into something that will glorify Him. C.S. Lewis uses lust, but it could be any sin. Anything that comes between you and your Love.  How awesome is that? Our all-powerful God is so merciful that He created a way for me to glorify Him, despite my imperfect humanity. Only God could do this. How beautiful!

One good point in the story is that we need to let go and let God do His thing. Giving up control and dying to your will is hard. Denying your passions and temptations that lead to sin is even harder. Trust me, I know. I struggle with this on a day-to-day basis. But if we let go and let God kill these unholy passions, He will turn these passions into a way to glorify Him. In the story, C.S. Lewis discusses the journey to the mountains, the journey to Heaven. He says that in order to reach the mountain, we must undergo a spiritual death. We must die to ourselves, but the beauty of the mountain will be worth it.

Another point in the story would be our free will. You have power and control over your sins. That's why the angels ask the man. It's up to him. There’s a line from a song that says, “To say that he devil made me do it, is a cop and a lie. The devil can’t make me do anything, when I’m calling on the name of Jesus Christ.” So call on God! Call on your Love when you’re being tempted. He will save you! If you're in a position where you have to make a choice and you don't trust yourself to make the right choice, God will do it for you. Don't hesistate to ask for help. He wants you to!

This all hit me again during adoration. Talk about an amazing experience.

When I got home, I was trying to find a good quote to sum up how my weekend went. Nothing was fitting. I googled: saint quotes, JP II quotes, Mother Teresa quotes, Church Father quotes, Catholic songs, etc. None of it quite expressed how I was feeling. So I just gave up. Nothing fit. I switched to Stumbleupon.com because it’s awesome. I literally stumbled upon this quote:

The very things that held ya down are gonna carry ya up, and up, and up!

How fitting. Once again, God used Disney movies to hammer in His point. The things that cause me to sin, are going to be the things that glorify God. If I give them over to Him. So God can take my sins, my lizards, and turn them into something that will carry me to the mountain, to the Kingdom of God. Just like Dumbo’s ears carried him. God's calling us to the mountain, will you come? 

“Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at

first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the

feet of shadows. But will you come?” – C.S. Lewis