Forgiveness

This past Monday, I had the opportunity to go to confession. It was more of a necessity, but I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise. I have never been scared to go to confession before. I do not know what made this time different, but I was absolutely terrified to walk into that box. It took every ounce of my courage to physically drive myself to the church and walk in.

"Confession heals, confession justifies, confession grants pardon of sin.

All hope consists in confession. In confession there is a chance for mercy.

 Believe it firmly. Do not doubt, do not hesitate, never despair of the mercy of God.

 Hope and have confidence in confession."

-St. Isidore of Seville



At first, I tried the church I usually go to for confession, St. Francis, but the line was so long that I knew I wouldn’t make it in time. Instead I decided to try St. Catherine of Siena. This confession was a different experience for me. Confession at St. Francis is often short, quick, and to the point, because of the long lines.  No questions asked really. But here, at St. Catherine’s, it was quite different. The priest cut in a few times to get a better understanding and to ask questions. He patiently listened to me and then conversed with me for several minutes.

During this time, I was pretty much falling apart. I make a habit of going to confession on a regular basis, but confession had become just sort of a routine for me. I had taken for granted the power, beauty, and glory of the sacrament. Here in this small confessional, an old and wise priest put it back into perspective for me. He took the time to listen, to understand, to calm, and to love. At the end of my confession, I was expecting a pretty hefty penance. But to my surprise, he gave me just one Hail Mary. He said,” Daughter, I have no need to give you more, because you are already punishing yourself enough. For the rest of your penance, I want you to work on forgiving yourself.”

I was flabbergasted. He hit it right on the head. I knew deep down, that God had already forgiven me, but I was still a wreck. I realized that my stress, worry, and pain were the results of my failure to forgive myself. But how many others struggle with this to? I think we all do. It is 1098890809 times easier to forgive somebody that has hurt us than it is to forgive ourselves.  I often struggle with this concept. I forgive people that hurt me in a heartbeat; my friends often chastise me for it. They say I am a pushover and that I need to stand up for myself. Yet, I often forgive others before they even hurt me. It is just the way that I am. But when I hurt myself or worse, hurt somebody else, I struggle with forgiving myself for months.

I am realizing that forgiveness really is divine. When we forgive ourselves and others, we capture a taste of God’s plan for the world. Forgiveness brings us one breath closer to Christ, because we begin to emulate Him. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things in the world, because it humbles us before the cross. Forgiveness says, “I care more for you than I do for myself.” Sacrifice for the betterment of another is beautiful. Forgiveness lights the path to Heaven.   

Like I said, part of my penance is forgiving myself. I’ve struggled with how to do this though. Ultimately I need to surrender to love. I need to see my worth, value, and dignity as a beautiful daughter of God. Many times that is easier said than done though. I know we all struggle with this. I beat myself up when I do not live up to the expectations of the church, society, my family, my friends, K-State, or just my expectations in general. Many times I fall short of my standards and goals. When this happens, I am incredibly hard on myself. The priest saw the destructive power of this practice and challenged me to stop. He straight up told me I need to be gentler with myself, like Christ is with me. The priest is calling me to take part in Christ’s divinity by forgiving myself. What a call!

"Our Lord Himself I saw in . . . this venerable Sacrament . . .

I felt as if my chains fell, as those of St. Peter at the touch of the

Divine messenger. My God, what new scenes for my soul!"

--St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

So that is my challenge to you. If you are harboring resentment, fear, shame, or pain for some of your past sins, let it go. Like Rafiki said, “The past can hurt. You can either run from it or learn from it.” Learn from it and move on. Forgive yourself.

Mama

This past year has been an interesting journey. It has worn me down spiritually, mentally, and physically. It has been a very rough semester. Thus, spring break was welcomed as a beautiful oasis in the midst of a desert. It came at just the right time. My first day back in Wichita I had to work a 7 hour shift at Hallmark. Honestly, I was a bit upset that I had to waste a beautiful spring day in Hallmark. Of course, God turned this around and the day had some pleasant surprises. The first being a 75-year-old woman named Monika, who had moved here from Germany when she was 15. We were really slow so I got a chance to talk to her for about 30 minutes. During this talk, we discussed motherhood and the role of the woman in the family for about 20 minutes. She told me, “Women have the blessing of watching their children grow into strong apostles. There is nothing sweeter than seeing your child seek Christ.”  Wow! In the middle of Hallmark, a woman gave me insight into the beauty of motherhood. Jesus moment for sure.

After this wonderful conversation, I got assigned to cleaning. I was dusting away in the backroom when I saw a sign that said, “Home is where your mom is.” Here in a dirty, quiet room, God sent surprise two by gently enforcing the beauty of motherhood. I love my family, but my mother is always the person I miss the most. I miss her so much sometimes, I literally ache with it. She is my rock, my role-model, my comforter, my best friend, my hero.We might not always see eye-to-eye on things and we fight frequently, but that's usually because I am too stubborn to accept her wisdom. She selflessly gives up everything for the sake of her children. My mother taught me the meaning of sacrifice. For me, home is where ever she is. Home is where you find rest, comfort, passion, growth, and love. Home is more than just a place you live; home is where your heart is. For me, my mama is all of those things. She constantly challenges me to grow and seek Christ. She is my link to Heaven.

This past week, I had the blessing of spending 4 days in Atlanta with my Grandma, aunts, uncles, and sister. One night, my Uncle Chris and I had the most random, sporadic conversation I have ever had. We had months of experiences, ideas, and revelations to catch up on. We happened to get on the topic of good books. I suggested that he read Heaven’s Song by Christopher West. He had never heard of it and asked me to justify my suggestion. I found myself submersed in one of the most beautiful Marian conversations I have ever had. For those of you who haven’t read the book, Heaven’s Song discusses Song of Songs and how they are God’s love letters to us. God is calling us to a mystical marriage with Him, Song of Songs is His proposal. This love and marriage is so real, that a young Jewish girl literally became impregnated with His divine word. Through Christ, Mary became our spiritual mother. The more I talked, the more I found myself absolutely gushing about Mama Mary, the way I do about my mom.

After the conversation, I was pretty keyed up and decided to spend some time on the deck outside. The quiet of the night helped me to gather my thoughts. I was reflecting on the past week and the quiet moment in the backroom of Hallmark came back to me. “Home is where your mom is.” Heaven is home. Mama Mary is waiting for me, for us. Mama embraced us as her children at the foot of the cross. How blessed are we to have such an amazing spiritual mother waiting for us in Heaven! She keeps us in her heart at all times, praying for us constantly. For Mary the most beautiful thing in the world is watching us seek Christ.

This past year has been filled with constant struggles and opportunities for growth. To my shame, I haven’t embraced many of these opportunities. Instead of seeing opportunities, I saw suffering. My mindset was selfish. This has caused my relationship with Mary to take on a different role. In my stubbornness, I nailed myself to my own cross. Mary waited at the foot of my cross, watching my suffering. She waited for me to die to myself. When I finally did, she took me into her arms at the foot of the cross and gently held me. I’ve found myself frantically running to Mary when life gets hard and just throwing myself into her arms. She welcomes me lovingly, gently, and selflessly. No matter how many times I turn away, Mary is always there quietly leading me to Christ. Mary is my other link to Heaven.

I work at 6:00 in the morning on Tuesdays, not my favorite shift. I was writing this though during my shift and I have a Disney playlist that I listen to. The song You'll Be in My Heart came on. I was overcome with emotion when I realized how perfectly it describes a mother's love for her children, Mary's love for us. I suggest listening to it: You'll Be In My Heart .

For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us can't be broken.
I will be here, don't you cry.
You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say.
You'll be here in my heart, always.

How beautiful is a mother's love? Whether she is alive, deceased, or spiritual, she is waiting for you to come home keeping you in her heart always. Mary, mother of us all, pray for us!

Will you come?

This past week I had the blessing of attending the Kansas Catholic College Student Convention in Topeka, KS. It was a very good weekend.  It was quiet and sweet, simple and relaxing. God used this weekend to gently, but forcefully, remind of some things that I have been forgetting, like what it means to follow Christ. He called me to Him in such a loving, tender manner that I couldn’t help but listen.

One night during adoration, I found some notes in my Bible from a talk I had with a good friend. At the time, I was really struggling with my sins and how they had transformed me. I felt like my sins were taking over, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

One of my biggest struggles is that I tend to focus on my sins. And you know the saying, “We become what we think about.” So instead of getting better, the situation was just getting worse. A lot worse. It was to the point where I didn’t really recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. Who was I? I was being defined by my actions in a very negatively way.

But in God’s mercy, my friend directed me to C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce. Particularly the story of the lizard. I feel like this is an important story, so I’m going to put the link. I had printed this out and put it in my Bible. It’s a long story, but I would love for you to read it. Plus, the rest of my blog probably won't make sense it you don't.

Please read me!

After I read this parable of the lizard though, I realized that God can take the darkest, scariest, and most sinful parts of us and turn them into something that will glorify Him. C.S. Lewis uses lust, but it could be any sin. Anything that comes between you and your Love.  How awesome is that? Our all-powerful God is so merciful that He created a way for me to glorify Him, despite my imperfect humanity. Only God could do this. How beautiful!

One good point in the story is that we need to let go and let God do His thing. Giving up control and dying to your will is hard. Denying your passions and temptations that lead to sin is even harder. Trust me, I know. I struggle with this on a day-to-day basis. But if we let go and let God kill these unholy passions, He will turn these passions into a way to glorify Him. In the story, C.S. Lewis discusses the journey to the mountains, the journey to Heaven. He says that in order to reach the mountain, we must undergo a spiritual death. We must die to ourselves, but the beauty of the mountain will be worth it.

Another point in the story would be our free will. You have power and control over your sins. That's why the angels ask the man. It's up to him. There’s a line from a song that says, “To say that he devil made me do it, is a cop and a lie. The devil can’t make me do anything, when I’m calling on the name of Jesus Christ.” So call on God! Call on your Love when you’re being tempted. He will save you! If you're in a position where you have to make a choice and you don't trust yourself to make the right choice, God will do it for you. Don't hesistate to ask for help. He wants you to!

This all hit me again during adoration. Talk about an amazing experience.

When I got home, I was trying to find a good quote to sum up how my weekend went. Nothing was fitting. I googled: saint quotes, JP II quotes, Mother Teresa quotes, Church Father quotes, Catholic songs, etc. None of it quite expressed how I was feeling. So I just gave up. Nothing fit. I switched to Stumbleupon.com because it’s awesome. I literally stumbled upon this quote:

The very things that held ya down are gonna carry ya up, and up, and up!

How fitting. Once again, God used Disney movies to hammer in His point. The things that cause me to sin, are going to be the things that glorify God. If I give them over to Him. So God can take my sins, my lizards, and turn them into something that will carry me to the mountain, to the Kingdom of God. Just like Dumbo’s ears carried him. God's calling us to the mountain, will you come? 

“Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at

first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the

feet of shadows. But will you come?” – C.S. Lewis

Who do you say that I am?

Hello! I decided to go with a Disney theme for a while, because it's something we can all relate to. So here it goes!

After a particularly stressful day a few weeks ago, I decided to watch The Lion King (TLK). I have always loved TLK. I can remember watching it over and over again as a child. Well...I still do this, but TLK was a significant part of my childhood. It's the movie I ran to for comfort when my dad died, it's the movie I watch every time I go home, and it's the movie that I can quote word for word. My nickname is Simba and I can relate to him on so many different levels, even if he is a cartoon. There's alot of comfort for me in TLK. So for me, it's my go-to movie when I have a bad day.
 While watching the movie, I was also reading Confessions by St. Augustine, because I have to read it for my philosophy class. I started thinking about Augustine's journey of self-discovery and how he found himself when he found God.

This made me think about a homily I heard the Sunday before that discussed the person Christ is calling us to be. This homily has been on my mind alot, because I feel like we all struggle with this at one point. The priest discuss how America puts a lot of emphasis on discovering who we are and what defines us. We all get caught up in it some point and I am especially guilty of this. Getting caught up in the self-discovery phase has been my biggest struggle this past semester. I turned towards secular discovery and forgot about the spiritual. I was thinking about where I am at now in my faith life, and where I want to be. I realized that I am nowhere near where I want to be. I got lost on the one way somehow.

 Well, God definitely has a sense of humor and loves to bring me back to Him through it.

I had just gotten to the point where Simba is frantically running after Rafiki in the forest, because Rafiki promised Simba that he could see his father again. Simba gets caught up in the vines as he goes, which hold him back. Suddenly he bursts out by a pond, where Rafiki beckons him forward.

Here's the dialogue from the movie: 
Rafiki: Look down there.

Simba: That's not my father. That's just my reflection.

Rafiki: No, look harder. 

Rafiki: You see? He lives in you.

Mufasa's ghost: Simba.
Simba: Father?

Mufasa's ghost: Simba, you have forgotten me.

Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa's Ghost: You have forgotten who you are

and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba.

Wow. Talk about hitting me over the head with a spiritual 2x4. God used my favorite movie, a children's movie to hit home a point that I've been fighting for a long time: my identity is in Jesus Christ. Just like Simba, I forgot who I was, and thus I forgot my Father. I had gotten so caught up in the secular world, that I forgot that Christ has already give me my identity. He created me in His image and likeness. There's nobody else like me in the world. Everything I need to know about myself is in Christ.

Why am I searching then if I already have an identity? I'm searching, as the whole world is searching, because it goes the other way too. When you forget your Father, you forget who you are. You lose yourself, when you lose your Creator.  Our world has cultivated this and egged it on in a way. The world tells you that YOU need to discover who you are and what defines you. Christ tells you that His love defines you and that the cross shows you who you are. You're God's child, His own beautiful creation. You are first and foremost a child of God and He claimed you at the cross. That is who you are.  When we realize this, we die to ourselves and become Christ's.

"Yet I live, no longer I, but Christ lives in me; insofar as
 I now live in the flesh,I live by the faith in the Song of God
who has loved me and given himself up for me." 

 So it looks like I have alot in common with Simba, which strikes me as funny. Up here at K-State Simba is my nickname, because of my hair. But boy can I relate to him. Not only did I lose my biological father, but I lost my Heavenly one too. I forgot about him, and thus forgot who I was. I ran away from my spiritual family and I tried to live in a constant state of hakuna matata. I figured if I just kept telling myself no worries, then I would eventually believe it. Like Simba, I got caught up on my way to Him and took a wrong turn. But eventually, I broke through the vines, the restraints, and saw my reflection. I didn't see Him at first, but I just had to look a little harder. Then, I realized Christ lives in me. He is my identity.

I love how God uses the most simple things in my life to bring me back to Him.

She can fly!

Usually in the first post, you tell a bit about yourself and why you started blogging, but I don't really want to do that. You'll learn a few tidbits about me through my blogs. :] So here it goes...


A few days ago, I got to chase my childhood by watching Peter Pan. I love Disney movies and to my joy we have a Disney section at Hallmark. One of our coffee mugs says, "All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust."  This mug gave me an intense urge to watch Peter Pan, which isn't one of my favorite Disney movies. It's never really appealed to me, but on that Sunday afternoon, I gave in and watched it.
At first, I just sat there eating popcorn and letting my brain relax.

But after awhile I realized how much I can relate to Peter Pan. Growing up is scary, and we've all run from it at times. I've avoided it, and even run in the opposite direction. Change is happening so fast around me that it's hard to find some secure footing. College is flying by, friends are getting married, others are having children, my nieces are growing up very fast, and I'm almost out of my teens. These changes are making me explore unknown territory and it's frightening. I've been trying to live in my own Neverland of endless youth. But it isn't very satisfying.

Change is scary! Facing the unknown terrifies me, because I no longer have control. But I think Peter nailed it on the head. Faith and trust are all it takes. Oh and a bit of pixie dust, but I don't know where I can get some of that. So I'll stick to faith and trust. Although these are still pretty hard for me. There's a reason why they are virtues: they come from God. I learned that they hard way. I was scared of growing up, because I didn't have any faith and I definitely wasn't trusting God.

"Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future.
     It's  simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step."   -Joni Erickson Tada"

How do you just hand over control though? How do you just start trusting somebody else with your life? I've struggled with the how for a long time and I'm learning that giving over control is a gradual process. It isn't going to happen over night. It happens by building a relationship with God through prayer. You're not going to give control of your life to a stranger, but you will trust somebody that you have a deep relationship with. In psychology my senior year, we had to do a faith test. We were blindfolded while our partners led us around the school. God's the same way. We don't know his plan or where He's taking us, but through trust we allow Him to lead us into the unknown.

As my trust in God has grown, so have my prayers. I started asking God for these virtues instead of trying to achieve them on my own. Ask and you shall receive.  Instead of just rushing into the unknown, I let God take my hand and lead me. What a blessing! God rained down his grace, or pixie dust if you must, on me and life gradually became a beautiful adventure for me. The good kind now, not the scary kind. God took my hand, just as Peter took Wendy's and before I knew it, I was flying.

I used to wish I could head to the second start to the right and straight on till morning and just avoid growing up and changing. The future is scary if we try to face it alone. But I'm realizing that to live is an awfully big adventure, especially when God is in control. So with faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust, I believe I can fly. Will you join me? :]  

God is good.

"With God, all things are possible."