Hello again! I have been avoiding studying and that led me to think about everything I would like to accomplish before I die. Granted, my mama always says, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." These are just some things I would like to do, but who knows if they will ever get crossed off!
Bucket List:
1.       Graduate college
2.       See the Pope
3.       Change the world
4.       Go to World Youth Day
5.       Kiss someone I love on New Years Eve
6.       Explore the Grand Canyon
7.       Spend a holiday somewhere exotic
8.       Redesign my bedroom
9.       Scuba dive
10.   Move to another country
11.   Change somebody’s life
12.   Visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
13.   DISNEY WORLD
14.   Send a message in a bottle
15.   Ride in a hot air balloon
16.   Volunteer in Calcutta
17.   Swim with dolphins
18.   Have a romantic picnic
19.   Ride a camel in Egypt
20.   Build a blanket fort with some I love
21.   Go to legoland
22.   Go to Greece
23.   See Stonehenge
24.   Party in Las Vegas
25.   Have a marriage more beautiful than my ceremony
26.   Own a beach house
27.   Go on a safari
28.   See George Strait live
29.   Spend New Years Eve in Times Square
30.   Go on a Disney cruise
31.   Own a dog
32.   Learn to play the piano
33.   Chop down my own Christmas tree
34.   Throw a dart a map and go where ever it lands
35.   Kiss under the mistletoe
36.   Go to Spain
37.   Dance in the rain
38.   Stay in Cinderella’s castle
39.   Ride in a helicopter
40.   Climb a waterfall
41.   Kiss at the top of a ferris wheel
42.   Start my own nonprofit
43.   Spend time volunteering in Africa
44.   Go to the Olympics
45.   Macy’s Day Parade!
46.   Spend the night with the homeless
47.   Watch my children get married
48.   Learn how to ballroom dance
49.   Visit Niagara Falls
50.   Buy a plantation home and fix it up

Call me Maggie.

It's been quite a long time since I have been able to blog, but what a blessing that I have found some time to write. For a while now, I've been trying to find a life lesson or some witty way to convey my life experiences over the last few days. Nothing has really stuck out...then I realized that there hasn't been any dramatic life lesson over the past few months. Life has been peaceful, beautiful, and lovely. In other words, I'm content.

This contentment has created an environment of self-reflection. I have blogged many times about the journey I have been on over the last couple of years. These years have been marked by trials, failings, a few triumphs, struggles, and just a general atmosphere of chaos. But in the midst all the chaos, I have had a beautiful, unxpected love story develop. Christ has very patiently and quietly beckoned me to him in those sparse moments of quiet. At first, it was soft, but lately He's been shouting through a mega-phone.

As many of you know, Song of Songs is my absolute favorite book of the Bible. I love every part of it: the romancing, the courtship, the wooing, the marriage, the journey. We are able to witness a romance that is absolutely breath-taking. Although this is amazing, the most beautiful part of the book ies in the fact that Song of Songs is God's love proposal to us. In these mystical writings, God sweeps us off our feets with a divine marriage proposal. He is asking us, all of us, to be his beautiful brides. Christ is down on one knee with the perfect proposal.

"You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride;

you have ravished my heart with one glance of your

eyes. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride."

After my whole-hearted yes to Christ my senior year, I ran away. I left my groom standing at the altar. In a way, I was much like Julia Roberts from Runaway Bride. In this movie, she plays a women that goes to the altar many times, but always runs away at the last minute. She was romanced, wooed, and swept off her feet. Yet, something just wasn't right, she got cold feet everytime. Call me Maggie, but I have experienced those same cold feet in my courtship with Christ. These cold feet have made me do some pretty stupid stuff. Christ has watched me chase men that wouldn't satisfy me, he watched me look for answers in things that almost always hurt me, and he watched as I ran away from him. He was always there quietly, patiently waiting to take my hand and lead me to the altar.

"I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things.

When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have

any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had

done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I

didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.

I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that."

--Maggie Carpenter

I kept running though. As soon as I got even close to a good relationship with Christ, I completely freaked out. Much like Julia, I was so caught up in what people said was a good relationship that I lost my focus. In the movie, she was extremely focused on what society said a good wedding should be like. Once she is open and honest with her groom is she able to find the courage to walk down the aisle. My relationship with Christ has been much like this. I get so caught up in comparing my relationship with my Love to the relationships my friends have with Christ. Almost every time I do this, I feel inadequate about my relationship with Christ. Then I watched Runaway Bride. I realized that there are many different ways to plan a marriage, much like there are many types of relationships with Christ.

Realizing this has been such a blessing, because I am more Christ-focused. I communicate my desires with Him so much more clearly than before. But honestly, this relationship has been really hard to develop, because my trust in men has really taken a beating over the past 2 years. Christ has had to work some serious over-time to show me that He is the only man that will never let me down or hurt me. Yet, I still leave my groom stranded at the altar. I run away from Him alot, and being the amazing man he is, he runs after me. My relationship with Christ this semester has taken on a whole new meaning. He is constantly chasing me, calling me back to Him, much like Maggie's groom does for her. He finds new and beautiful ways to sweep me off my feet, romance me, and propose. No matter how many times I leave Him at that altar, He will never abandon me, His bride.

"You are all-beautiful my beloved,

and there is NO blemish in you."

-Christ, my bridegroom

So just call me Maggie Carpenter, because I am a runaway bride.

Miracles

What a beautiful week it has been! I've been anxiously awaiting the birth of my nephew, Josiah Gabriel. Patience is, unfortunately, a virtue I do no possess. I've been praying for him, thinking about him, reading to him, cleaning for him, and loving him every day all day since I received the news of his conception. It has been a wonderful journey of discernment and love for me. But man, I was ready for him to get here. I wanted to meet the little guy.

Last Wednesday, I got the call at 6:00 in the morning that Katie was experiencing the tell-tale signs of labor. Hurriedly, I grabbed my hospital bag that I had prepared, jumped in my car, and rushed to the hospital. When I got there she was dialated to a 6. I thought, "Ya! He's going to be here before I know it." Six hours later, Katie was still dialated to a 6. I was starting to get impatient. Around 1:30, Katie was ready to welcome her miracle into the world. The room was whirlwind of activity as the nurses rushed to get everything ready. I took my place by Katie's side, holding her hand. 30 short minutes later, little Josiah took his first breathe.

Being the sap that I am, I cried. I was so overcome with emotion that all I could say was blessed be God, over and over again. What a miracle childbirth is! I will never forget the look on Katie's face as she held her beautiful baby boy for the first time. It reminded me of something that Christopher West wrote in Heaven's Song. He discusses the joy that we feel on Christmas Day when we celebrate the birth of Christ. That joy is to be felt at the birth of every child in the world, because we are all God's children. We are all a precious gift from above. No matter the situation, no matter the background, no matter the world, each birth is a miracle. Children are a miracle. 

While holding little Siah today, I was once again overcome with emotion. But a more terrible kind. Abortion has always broken my heart, but as I sat there holding him, I just couldn't handle it. I have a hard time understanding how people can claim that unborn children aren't "alive." So this is my plea to you, stand up for the unborn. Pray for the parents considering abortion, pray for the babies, pray for the broken families, pray for those trying to recover from the terrors of abortion. Josiah is a beautiful testimony to life, help others continue that legacy. Mother Teresa worked tirelessly to fight the evils of abortion. Ask for her intercession and prayers. She once said, "I want the child, give me the child." Let us all echo her desire to save the unborn.

Mother Teresa, pray for us.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, protectress of the unborn, pray for us. 

Growth

Understanding comes when we begin to see God's hand in our life. It's only when we stop focusing on ourselves and turn our attention to Christ that we are able to see growth from a time of suffering. Thankfully, this summer has been an opportunity for me to stop being so self-absorbed and to step back to see the bigger picture. The past year has been a necessary period of growth for me and I am thankful for it. While sitting with a friend in Manhattan one night, we were discussing my journey. That's when this list started. Over the past week, I just started writing things down. Overall, it's hard to summarize just how much God has taught me this year, but here are a few of the key points.

Life lessons I’ve learned in the past year:

1. Self-pity is self-destructive.
2. No matter how much you love someone, you can’t make them love you back. You can’t be angry at them for that. Love them anyway.
3. There’s good in everyone, but that doesn’t mean everyone is good for you.
4. Life goes on. The pain might feel like it’s going to kill you, but it’s not. The scars it leaves behind will just give you character.
5. Children are the most innocent healing power in the world.
6. A friendship that ends was never a friendship to begin with.
7. God gives you multiple chances to do that right thing. If you don’t do it, God will. And it’s probably going to hurt a lot more than if you had just done it in the first place.
8. Share your experiences. Other people might be struggling with the same thing.
9. As much as you want them to, some people just don't belong in your life.
10. There's a difference between suffering and misery.
11. The opposite of love is lust.  
12. I am incredibly blessed.
13. Sometimes the things that feel the most right are the most wrong.
14. Suffering is a necessary part of life.
15. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends things. They will respect you for being honest with them.
16. Rush hour traffic is a blessing. It gives me an hour a day to concentrate on practicing virtue.
17. Surround yourself with people that pray for you.
18. You’ll never fall too far to be loved.
19. Even with the pain and heartache, it's still a beautiful world.
20. I’ve got a lot to learn.


Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Innocence

Searching for peace and healing this summer has been an interesting journey for me. As I have talked about before, it's been a rough year, mostly by my own doing. I spent many, many hours worrying about where I was going to end up this summer. I didn't pray about it, just worried. I kept going back to Totus Tuus, but it just didn't feel right. I knew I would be doing it just because people told me I should. I felt obligated, not called. So as much as people wanted me to apply, I decided to throw away my application. That was a very difficult decision for me, because I felt like I was letting people down. But I'm learning to let go of always trying to please people, which has helped immensely in my quest for peace. Well after that I knew I would be coming home to Hallmark, but I didn't really have a plan. I was pretty much just wandering at this point.

After I got home, I suddenly found myself with gratuitous amounts of free time. After sitting at home for a few days, I got incredibly bored. Then God gave me the opportunity to spend countless hours with my nieces and Godchild. I got to go to my oldest niece, Caleigh's, band concert. What a blessing! I can't possibly described how imperfect, but absolutely perfect this concert was. They made mistakes, but I didn't even notice. The kids were having a blast, I couldn't help but join in. My niece was pure joy at this concert. Such a beautiful, unadultered, innocent joy. Just being able to witness this showed me that home is exactly where God was calling me this summer.

By simply being at home, I have come to know the healing power of children. My nieces and Jordan are so sweet, so trusting, so innocent that I couldn’t help but let my guard down. I am so blessed to have such an open, loving relationship with my nieces. I am a aunt, a sister, and a best friend. Which means, they talk openly to me about many things in their lives, including faith. Hearing their honest, sweet questions about Christ creates a situation where I am constantly thinking about Christ. I am used to be the light of Christ to my nieces, but this summer the role has switched. They have become Christ’s light for me.

My nieces especially have demonstrated child-like faith for me in such a beautiful, innocent way that I couldn't help but follow. I never thought that my nieces would be teaching me about Christ, but here I am gushing about them. One of my favorite memories of my nieces is sitting in Christmas mass with them. During mass, my two oldest nieces sang their little hearts out. No worries, no restraints. They didn’t worry about what people think, they just sang for Christ. This memory inspires me on a daily basis to sing out for Christ, to focus on just Him.

Being around little children has brought me so much peace and healing. So many people asked me what I was doing this summer and I felt so inadequate, because I wasn’t doing anything spectacular. But now I know that I am doing exactly what God wants me too. I’m spending time with precious little children that are teaching me about Christ. Based on this, I have begun to form a devotion to St. Therese, because I have realized it truly is the little things, like singing with my nieces, that brings me closer to Christ. So next time you are in mass, listen to the little voices around you. Learn from them and their innocent faith. Don’t hold back, sing for Christ.

Don't you know who you are?

   
You are more.

This song has been on my mind alot lately. A good friend made me some Tenth Avenue North CDs a few months ago and this song happens to be on my favorite CD of theirs. It really hits home for me. I know I've said this before, but I often get caught up in my sins. Many times I get so caught up in my shame, pain, and choices that I forget the person Christ is calling me to be. A priest once told me, "When trying to stop committing a sin, focus on the opposite virtue. We become what we think about. So if you focus on your sin, you will become your sin." This causes you to fall into despair and shame.

I often define my life by my actions, by doing this I focus on my sins and shortcomings. When in reality I am already defined by God's love. I am His daughter, His unique creation, His love. During my darkest hours, this is incredibly easy to forget. The devil uses this. He leads me to question God's role in my life. I question myself when I look in the mirror and I sit there and wonder about the path that lead me to the person I am today. Many times I dwell on the negatives and fail to see God's hand in my journey. But this song reminds me that...

I am more.

It is one thing to be told that you have been given new life by Christ, it is another thing to believe it. The devil is so cunning that he makes us forget the saving power of Christ. He preys on our failures and humanity to keep us down. One line of the song that always hits home for me is, "And I'm crippled by the fear that I have fallen too far to love." The devil plants this seed of doubt in our hearts to make us question are worth and value. What a cunning plan. But...

You are more.

You've been remade.

Fight these feelings of insecurity and doubt. Be confident of God's love for you. You will never fall so far that God's love can't reach you anymore. This is something that we all forget at times, but it is so important to remember. When the devil pushes you down, Jesus is right there holding out a hand to help you up. Reach out and take it.  

Forgiveness

This past Monday, I had the opportunity to go to confession. It was more of a necessity, but I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise. I have never been scared to go to confession before. I do not know what made this time different, but I was absolutely terrified to walk into that box. It took every ounce of my courage to physically drive myself to the church and walk in.

"Confession heals, confession justifies, confession grants pardon of sin.

All hope consists in confession. In confession there is a chance for mercy.

 Believe it firmly. Do not doubt, do not hesitate, never despair of the mercy of God.

 Hope and have confidence in confession."

-St. Isidore of Seville



At first, I tried the church I usually go to for confession, St. Francis, but the line was so long that I knew I wouldn’t make it in time. Instead I decided to try St. Catherine of Siena. This confession was a different experience for me. Confession at St. Francis is often short, quick, and to the point, because of the long lines.  No questions asked really. But here, at St. Catherine’s, it was quite different. The priest cut in a few times to get a better understanding and to ask questions. He patiently listened to me and then conversed with me for several minutes.

During this time, I was pretty much falling apart. I make a habit of going to confession on a regular basis, but confession had become just sort of a routine for me. I had taken for granted the power, beauty, and glory of the sacrament. Here in this small confessional, an old and wise priest put it back into perspective for me. He took the time to listen, to understand, to calm, and to love. At the end of my confession, I was expecting a pretty hefty penance. But to my surprise, he gave me just one Hail Mary. He said,” Daughter, I have no need to give you more, because you are already punishing yourself enough. For the rest of your penance, I want you to work on forgiving yourself.”

I was flabbergasted. He hit it right on the head. I knew deep down, that God had already forgiven me, but I was still a wreck. I realized that my stress, worry, and pain were the results of my failure to forgive myself. But how many others struggle with this to? I think we all do. It is 1098890809 times easier to forgive somebody that has hurt us than it is to forgive ourselves.  I often struggle with this concept. I forgive people that hurt me in a heartbeat; my friends often chastise me for it. They say I am a pushover and that I need to stand up for myself. Yet, I often forgive others before they even hurt me. It is just the way that I am. But when I hurt myself or worse, hurt somebody else, I struggle with forgiving myself for months.

I am realizing that forgiveness really is divine. When we forgive ourselves and others, we capture a taste of God’s plan for the world. Forgiveness brings us one breath closer to Christ, because we begin to emulate Him. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things in the world, because it humbles us before the cross. Forgiveness says, “I care more for you than I do for myself.” Sacrifice for the betterment of another is beautiful. Forgiveness lights the path to Heaven.   

Like I said, part of my penance is forgiving myself. I’ve struggled with how to do this though. Ultimately I need to surrender to love. I need to see my worth, value, and dignity as a beautiful daughter of God. Many times that is easier said than done though. I know we all struggle with this. I beat myself up when I do not live up to the expectations of the church, society, my family, my friends, K-State, or just my expectations in general. Many times I fall short of my standards and goals. When this happens, I am incredibly hard on myself. The priest saw the destructive power of this practice and challenged me to stop. He straight up told me I need to be gentler with myself, like Christ is with me. The priest is calling me to take part in Christ’s divinity by forgiving myself. What a call!

"Our Lord Himself I saw in . . . this venerable Sacrament . . .

I felt as if my chains fell, as those of St. Peter at the touch of the

Divine messenger. My God, what new scenes for my soul!"

--St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

So that is my challenge to you. If you are harboring resentment, fear, shame, or pain for some of your past sins, let it go. Like Rafiki said, “The past can hurt. You can either run from it or learn from it.” Learn from it and move on. Forgive yourself.