The past six months have been centered on growing in virtue by focusing on the people around me. I've been working hard towards making myself into the best version of myself. One of the things I have been working on is politeness, especially when interacting with people who work in retail.
As I have been making a conscious effort to be more polite, I've been more aware of people's reactions to politeness. One of my biggest observations is that people seem to have forgotten how to be polite. Most people rush about their days without regard for basic manners. When cashiers ask basic questions about how your day is going, most reply with a weary good or fine. When we slow down to answer with an honest reply and ask a genuine question back, people are often caught off guard.
The second thing I have noticed is that people are hungry. They're starving from loneliness and lack of basic manners. The more genuine my politeness becomes, the more people have been "emotionally dumping" on me from lack of a better term. When I ask simple questions, I am receiving extremely personal answers. Lately, I have had a woman tell me about her house that burned down, another woman lost her son, and another just broke off her engagement.
I've been wondering why people react this way when shown basic politeness. These extreme cases might just be random. They might just be open and sharing people. I might just be easy to talk to. But I think it's more than that. I think it's a case of mistaken identity. In a world of fast paced love and instant gratification, I believe that we have sped up the basic levels of interaction. Politeness is so rare now that it is often seen as flirtation or affection (which are two very different things). .
After I began paying attention to politeness and affection, I began focusing on other areas of interaction and relationships. In our fast-paced, authentic loved starved society, many people seem to mistake affection for intimacy. I can see this most in myself and other women. Most women have an intense desire to be pursued, loved, and wanted. They have a desire to be cherished and found captivating. Many women are suffering from scars where this desire went intensely wrong. They experience intense heart break, a father leaving, abuse, rejection, or a variety of others things that can lead to a lack of intimacy.
When this happens, women become starved for intimacy. There is a hunger at every stage of relationships, because something has gone terribly wrong. I've noticed in many women, myself included, that this can cause a lack of understanding about affection. Many good men in our world strive to be affectionate and polite brothers to their sisters in Christ. They share general feelings of fondness to show Christ's love to those around them. Many times this affection can be misconstrued by women as a desire for intimacy.
I think the time this is hardest for me is when I'm dancing. The intimacy of a dance is a strong thing. I could write a whole blog about that and maybe I will someday. But dancing reminds me a lot of the call of a man and woman in Ephesians 5. A man should be the head of the family. He should be leading, much like in dancing. A woman should follow. The man supports her.
Maybe that's why dancing is so hard, because it mirrors marriage in so many ways. Women crave intimacy and connection. That close friendship where they can confide in a man. To feel safe in a man's arms. To let a man whirl them around and lead them closer to Christ always. Dancing toes the line between affection and intimacy in many ways. It's easy for a woman to lose her heart in the arms of a good dancer.
Dare to dance with God.
He will let the perfect man cut in.
The ultimate mistaken identity is to mistake a desire for intimacy as a desire for sexual love, to blur that line. This fast-paced view of relationships often confuses intimacy and sexual love. The pyramid does a good job of explaining why this can be difficult. At the base of the pyramid is the intimacy of friendship. There are many stages to go through before that intimacy progresses to sexual intimacy.
After an absolutely amazing conversation with two dear brothers one night, I had another realization. An important part of guarding your heart is knowing how you show and receive love, knowing your love language. There are 5: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. My love language is physical touch. This could be why dancing is so hard for me. Understanding your love language helps you to control how you express yourself and how you receive other's expressions.
Here's a helpful link: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages.aspx.
I wish I had more advice, but this is something that I struggle with often. I'm terrible at blurring the lines and guarding my heart. By understanding the situation, I can take active steps towards growing in the virtue of emotional chastity and guarding my heart for my future spouse.
Many people seem to mistake
politeness for affection,
affection for intimacy,
intimacy for sexual love.
It is a case of mistake identity.
